Zelda: Link, my dearest, you came! I...was afraid you wouldn't show up!

Link: Darling Zelda, of course I came! I'd never desert you!

Cleo: Link, there you are!

Zelda: Darling, what's this?

Cleo: Oh-nothing Zelda, we're just talk-

Zelda: Link! Cleo! I thought...Link-I thought you loved me! Cleo-I thought YOU were my best friend!

Caesar: What's going on here?

Zelda: Daddy! [begins crying] Oh Daddy!

Caesar: Zelda, baby, don't cry! Cleo! [Gasp!] What are YOU doing here?

Link: Caesar?

Antony: Cleo?

Cleo: Legolas?

Legolas: Aragorn?

Antony: Aragorn?

Aragorn: Antony?

Antony and Aragorn: Heeeeey! What's up? Not mu-

Cleo: SHUT UP!

Zelda and Link: Legolas? [Zelda looks guiltily at Link]

Zelda: I didn't ask him!

Link: Yeah right!

Zelda: Well, I didn't. Right Legolas?

Legolas: um...yeah. Aragorn asked me.

Zelda: ha! See?!? And I suppose you didn't invite Cleo?

Caesar: He's CHEATING on you?

Ruto: I told you!

Caesar: hi Ruto. Got your letter.

Ruto: yes sir. Link, you're coming with me-

Caesar: -on my orders.

Zelda: but Daddy!

[different...feeling in Garden...air changes somehow...music changes to dark and foreboding...]

Cleo: [Gasp!] You!

Unknown Shadow: me.

Cleo: but you...

Unknown Shadow: and me.

Cleo: Mephitabel!

Mephitabel: ayup. ^_^

Link, Aragorn, Antony, Legolas: What the CHEESE?!?

Ruto: I'm confused-wait. This is MEPHITABEL?

Zelda (inquiringly): ...mommy?

Mephitabel: Zelda.

Caesar: Your presence is unwelcome here....so...GO AWAY! [Sticks tongue out at Mephitabel]

Mephitabel: I think not.

Caesar: What?

Mephitabel: Methinks NO.

[voices fade in]

... : Yes, it has been MUCH too long!

... : think et tú?

Brutus: I do.

Portia: I love you.

Brutus: Means a lot-what the CHEESE?!?

Portia (oblivious): American or deli?

Link: Not QUITE that kind of cheese.

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleopatra.

Zelda: mommy? daddy?.....can we order pizza?

Link: Zelda, whatever happens here, I want you to know that I love you. Deeply.

Zelda: Link! I love you too! ^_^

[Link and Zelda fall into each other's arms]

[And stay there]

Caesar: Get off of her NOW, young man.

Link: I saved your freakin KINGDOM, dude. Chill out.

Zelda: daddy, just listen to him. He's saying it nicely...

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleopatra.

Caesar: um, Cleo, Mephitabel, I -

Cleo and Mephitabel: SHUT UP!

Aragorn: Ok. Me and Antony are going to...uh, OBSERVE from under that tree, ok? Ok.

Legolas: I shall come too...

Portia: Wait for me!

Brutus: If you think you're leaving ME with those odd...things...um, no.

Ruto: Why?

Brutus: Just shut up. I said um, NO.

[Everyone but Caesar, Cleo, Mephitabel, Ruto, Link, and Zelda sit back and watch the show.]

Caesar: We have to discuss this...matter.

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

Zelda: Link, what?

Link: I have no clue.

Ruto: Link, please don't talk to her.

Link: What the FREAK?

Zelda: You mean CHEESE, dear!

Link: thanks, love.

Zelda: don't mention it.

Ruto: Because! You're in love with ME!

Caesar, Cleo, Mephitabel: SHUT UP!

Ruto: [makes face] phblllllt!

Link: Wait-who's...?

[noises fade and lights dim a little]

Caesar: No!

Marie Antoinette: Yes.

Cleo: No! Mephitabel!

Mephitabel: No! Cleo!

Marie Antoinette: Yes. Yes.

Link and Zelda: What the [-----] CHEESE?!?

Caesar, Cleo, Mephitabel, Marie: SHUT UP!

Link and Zelda: Sorry.

Caesar, Cleo, Mephitabel, Marie: It's ok.

Link and Zelda: Thanks.

Everyone under the tree: SHUT UP!

Everyone NOT under the tree: What the [-----] CHEESE?!?

Zelda: So what IS the deal?

Ruto: Link loves ME!

Everyone but Ruto: SHUT UP!

Zelda: What's the cheesing DEAL?

Link (quickly): Shut up Ruto.

Marie: Dear Zelda, I am not your mother. That is what many believe. We spread the rumor as a falsehood when it was found that Caesar was your father and...no mother named. It was said that I was the mother.

Henry (comes out from behind tree): Marie.

Marie: [shrieks] HENRY?!?

Caesar: nope. That's the gardener.

Marie: oh. OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Cleo: calm yourself.

Marie: ok.

Antony (to Aragorn): Pass the honeysuckle.

Aragorn (to Antony): Here.

Antony (to Aragorn): thanks.

Aragorn (to Antony): you're welcome.

Ruto: SHUT UP!

Aragorn and Antony: Ok. Sorry.

Ruto: It's ok.

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

Caesar: SHUT UP!

Legolas: Portia, stop. I'm enjoying this...

Portia: Loser. You and Brutus...

Bruté: SHUT UP!

Link: The DEAL, please.

Marie: oh yeah. Sorry. but the point is, I'm not the mother.

Zelda: then who the cheese IS?

Marie: It's...

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Caesar: yep.

Zelda: no.

Ruto: yes.

Link: why?

Cleo: I told you.

Marie: Idiot.

Mephitabel: Who are you talking about?

Caesar: Probably Cleo.

Marie: Of course.

Ruto: why?

Link: why not?

Zelda: SHUT UP!

Legolas: why?

Gimli: cause she SAID so.

Legolas: you're not even HERE!

Frodo: we're not? why?

Zelda: because he said so.

Link: SHUT UP!

Ruto (sarcastically): but why?

[Link cusses Ruto out]

Ruto: oh. That's why.

Link: yup.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Caesar: Link [sigh] fine! Marry Zelda. I'll pay for the royal wedding...[gulp]...son.

Zelda: Oh daddy! Thank you!

Cleo: I'm the maid of honor!

Link: why not?

Ruto: NOOOOOOOOO! HE LOVES ME!

Everyone but Ruto: SHUT UP!

Gardener henry: PLEASE!

Antony: henry-come here.

Aragorn: Yes, here. NOW.

henry: ok.

Legolas: aight! Join the party!

Portia: Shhhh!

Bruté: Soo...

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

Zelda: so... Mephitabel is my mom?

Link: It would appear so...

Ruto: Therefore, she's probably not.

Link: ayup.

Zelda: Ah.

Caesar: Yes, kids. It was Mephitabel.

Ruto: Oh. Kay.

[Link cusses Ruto out again]

Zelda: Link, you can stop now.

Ruto: But Link, you love me!

Everyone but Ruto: SHUT UP!

henry: PLEASE!

Link: Cleo, do you still want to talk?

Zelda: Talk? That's what it's about?

Cleo: ayup.

Zelda: oh. sorry guys. I didn't mean it, Cleo and Link. I just...

Link: -am so tired of it all?

Zelda: sometimes.

Link: okay.

Caesar: So...when's the wedding?

Marie: There will BE no wedding!

Everyone but Ruto: WHAT?!?

Ruto: Yay! Go Marie!

[Link cusses both Ruto and Marie out]

Zelda: Louder, please.

[Link cusses both Ruto and Marie out louder]

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

Caesar: Wait. Why is there no wedding?

Marie: because Link loves Ruto.

Ruto: YES!

Everyone but Ruto and Marie: SHUT UP!

henry: PLEASE!

Legolas: but I want Link and Zelda to get married.

Bruté: me too.

[rustle is heard]

unknown entity: well, I don't.

Portia: What? Why?

unknown entity: because...I am none other than ::dramatic pause (feel the drama)::...::dramatic music (hear the drama)::...::dramatic face (AH! RUN FROM THE DRAMA!)::......the ghost of Ganondorf. Link-I AM your father.

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ghost of Ganondorf: just kidding.

Link: okay.

Ghost of Ganondorf: bye guys! I just drift through scaring people...I took a left at Albuquerque and ended up HERE instead of Halloween Town...

Link: bye! Have a nice trip!

Zelda: BOO-hoo! ^_^ ha!...bye!

Ghost of Ganondorf: Fare thee well.

Everyone: bye! ^_^

Ruto: What a LOSER. Link and I ARE getting married-

Marie: -cause you love each other!

[Ghost of Ganondorf returns]

Ghost of Ganondorf: SHUT UP!

[Ghost of Ganondorf leaves]

Link: Cheese. I...kinda like the old guy now. I hope he likes being a ghost. It's the least I could have done...which...I did, so...

Ruto: But...why doesn't anyone want me to marry my true love? Why are you keeping us apart?

Marie: Yes. Why won't you people-heartless, mean, and...HEARTLESS-allow Ruto to pursue her dreams?

Riku: I resent that.

Kairi: Yeah. Heartless are people too, you know.

Sora: [as he destroys yet another Heartless...] They have feelings and you should treat them with respect.

Legolas: And sometimes I wonder...

Aragorn: -If snails are microwavable?

Antony: They are. I checked.

Aragorn: dude, you ARE awesome.

Legolas: Phosphorous is an element.

Sherlock: It's elementary, my dear Legolas.

Dr. Watson: [punches Legolas] you JERK! You STOLE my LINE! [retires to corner crying]

Link: poor guy.

Zelda: yeah.

Ruto: even I agree...

Dr. Watson (mumbling to self): ...what did I ever do to him?...

Sherlock: Don't worry. He does that sometimes...

Marie: Okaaaaay...

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

Caesar: why do I even bother?

Link: Respectfully, sir, but why did you EVER bother?...

Ruto: I'll gladly discuss it Link, but you [sob] don't love me! (

Cleo and Mephitabel: SHUT UP!

Ruto: ALL RIGHT! HOLEY CHEESE!

Zelda: That would be swiss, dear.

Link (to Antony): could you pass me the honeysuckle now, please?

Antony (to Link: Here.

Link (to Antony): Thanks.

Antony (to Link): you're welcome.

Ruto: SHUT UP!

Antony and Link: oh. Sorry.

Ruto: It's quite alright.

Antony and Link: thanks.

Caesar: you're welcome.

Ruto: they were talking to ME!

Portia: Don't speak to the king like that!

Marie: OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Portia: [slaps Marie] [hard] Don't talk to me like that!

Marie (weakly): I wasn't talking about you. [punches Portia] NOW I am! Idiot!

[Link holds both Marie and Portia in air]

[Ruto cusses Marie and Portia out]

Zelda: Thank you, Ruto.

Ruto: My pleasure.

Brutus: Caesar? Why didn't you even tell anyone about this all? Don't you know that keeping it all bottled up inside is-

Legolas: -Bad?

Brutus: And can make you-

Gimli: -angry-

Frodo: -or depressed-

Brutus: -?

Legolas: FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU'RE NOT HERE!

Gimli and Frodo: Cheese! ok!

Link: Aw. Hey guys, don't go!

Ruto: Yeah...stay a while, Frodo...

Frodo: [grins] Oh yeah.

[Ruto and Frodo go to observe under the tree]

Gimli: whoa, babe. Your name's Zelda?...

[Link cusses Gimli out]

[Gimli swings his axe at Link]

[Link dodges]

[Link picks Gimli up and throws him over the wall of the Garden]

Zelda: Thank you dearest.

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

[voice is heard]

Gimli: LINK! YOU-

[Ghost of Ganondorf returns]

[Ghost of Ganondorf picks Gimli up]

[Ghost of Ganondorf leaves with Gimli]

Zelda: Ok. That was pleasant comic relief.

Link: That's cause he wasn't threatening you.

Caesar: Oh, he was...Just in a different way.

Link: Sure thing, Daddy. That is what I had a problem with, you know.

Cleo and Mephitabel: SHUT UP!

Ruto: YOU!

Frodo: Aw. Just forget about it. Gimli always was like that...[looks sadly at Ruto]...the trip HERE was torture...[buries head in Ruto's arms]

Link: Okaaaay...Ignore them.

Dr. Watson: SHUT UP!

Legolas: Chill, dude. You're all WAY too sensitive.

Kairi: Chill yourself Legolas. Don't you feel kinda sorry for him? I mean, Sherlock used the doctor's line on YOU. Honors of great caliber were bestowed upon you, and the poor "little dr.'s" fragile psyche couldn't handle it...

Sora: thank you Kairi.

Riku: that's why I love her, that's why I'm marrying Sherri...

Tony: UM no. Sherri is one of my three wives-to-be.

Travis: TWO, idiot. [punches Tony]

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

Caesar and Marie: SHUT UP!

Portia (to Aragorn): Would you be so kind as to pass me the honeysuckle, please?

Aragorn (to Portia): Here.

Portia (to Aragorn): thanks.

Aragorn (to Portia): You're welcome.

Marie: SHUT UP!

Ruto: ...Frodo...you're GREAT and all, really, but...Sorry. Link loves me...and...I...I'd rather join the "discussion," as Caesar said some odd days ago..., than sit here and pass the honeysuckle. Ok? K...

Frodo: So...you're telling me to cheese off?

Ruto: In a word, yes.

Link: um, ...pointless, as I don't love you.

Marie: YOU DO!

Ruto: OF COURSE HE DOES!

Sherlock: SHUT UP!

dr. Watson: PLEASE!

henry: Thank you.

Ruto: [makes face] phblllllt!

Legolas: Dear, cut the face.

henry: Please.

Zelda: Frodo, I think Cleo is free tonight...

Cleo: I am, actually...

Mephitabel: Wow. I see a date...

Frodo: noooo. I definitely do NOT mind going on a date with that...that gorgeous creature...

Aragorn: I BET you wouldn't ...

Antony: dot Dot DOT!

Bruté: Awww...

Portia: ...Why can't you visit ME, Frodo-dearest?

Frodo: ...because. I just fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the universe [ducks head shyly]...

Cleo: Aw! Frodo! I love you!...Antony, Legolas, el Bruté, Aragorn, I still love you all as well. ^_^

Frodo: wait. So...everyone is in love with everyone else?

Everyone but Frodo: ...yup.

Frodo: ......COOLNESS! I LOVE YOU ALL! ^_^

Ruto: SHUT UP!

Caesar: YOU!

dr. Watson and henry: PLEASE!

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

Legolas (to Sherlock): dear sir, could you please pass me the honeysuckle?

Sherlock (to Antony): dearer sir, could you please pass me the honeysuckle so that I may pass the honeysuckle to Legolas, my dearest sir?

Antony (to Sherlock): Here.

Sherlock (to Antony): thanks.

Antony (to Sherlock): you're welcome.

Sherlock (to Legolas): Here.

Legolas (to Sherlock): thanks.

Sherlock (to Legolas): you're welcome.

Legolas (to Antony): thank you.

Antony (to Legolas): you're welcome.

Frodo: SHUT UP!

henry: PLEASE!

dr. Watson: [chants] Legolas is a je-erk, Legolas is a je-erk, Leg-

[Sherlock punches dr. Watson]

dr. Watson: ow...that hurt.

Sherlock: QUITE elementary, my dear......WATSON!

dr. Watson: ...[tears of joy and pain leak from eyes]...I...I am sooo happy! Thank you!

[dr. Watson hugs Legolas]

[dr. Watson begins dancing]

[and doesn't stop]

Link: Too bad "SHUT UP!" doesn't apply to this.

Caesar: Trudat.

Zelda: DADDY! What the CHEESE?!?

Ruto: SHUT UP!

Frodo (to Legolas): You know, I could get used to this...

Cleo: Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: Cleo.

Frodo: Cleopatra, the time is come for me to pledge my undying love to you. So...I, Frodo Baggins, profess my undying love to you, Cleopatra. My dearest, shall you be mine?

Cleo: ............I love you Frodo. Yes.

Zelda: Awww...

[Link kisses Zelda]

Ruto: NOOOO! HE LOVES ME!

Everyone but Ruto and Marie: SHUT UP!

Marie: Caesar. What of our decamillliongong...shape?

Caesar: ......99 RED BALLOONS!

Link: ...You and I in a little toy shop-

Ruto: -buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got...

Zelda: Set them free-

Cleo: -at the break of dawn-

Frodo: -till one by one,-

Legolas: -they were gone...

Antony: Back at base-

Aragorn: -bugs in the software-

Marie: -flashed the message-

Portia: -something's out there-

Brutus: -floating in the summer sky-

Sherlock: 99 red balloons-

dr. Watson: -go BY!

All: ....[sings most of song-the middle part...]...

[Ghost of Ganondorf returns with Gimli]

Mephitabel: 99 dreams-

Cleo: -I have held-

Link: -and every one-

Zelda: -a red balloon-

Legolas: -It's all over-

Gimli: -And I'm standing pretty-

Frodo: -In the dust that WAS a city...

Caesar: If I could find-

Marie: -a souvenir-

Ruto: -just to prove-

Ghost of Ganondorf: -the world was here-

Portia: -Here it is, -

Bruté: -a red balloon...

Antony: I think-

Aragorn: -of you-

Sherlock and dr. Watson: -and-

Riku, Sora, Kairi: -let-

Bilbo: -it-

honeysuckle: -gooooo...

Plato: well. I am master of logic and reason, but-

Aristotle: yes. I have the same problem. I...do not understand. I don't usually ask questions, but in this case, I might have to...

Socrates: I'm the one who usually asks questions. So...WHAT the CHEESE is going ON?!?

Aristotle: will someone answer?

Plato: Can someone answer and explain?

Everyone but Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates: SHUT UP!

henry: ...please?

Cleo: ...Mephitabel.

Mephitabel: ...Cleo.

THE END